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SECRET NO LONGER
Chapter 17
Waiting for the Axe to Fall


"You were right, Jannie; you were so right," I said. Several days had passed since the shocking discovery that Fred was aware of Jason's and my misbehavior, enough that I had found a little bit more energy and was getting a little bit more rest. Not much, but enough to help. "You now have my official permission to say I told you so."

"I told you so," Jannie said, affecting a stern scowl for a while before breaking up with a laugh. "Didn't expect that, now did'ja? Eh?"

"The truth be told, no," I said, managing a hint of a laugh myself, "though knowing you, I should have."

"Now it's you that's turning mind-reader, Lin," said she, glancing slyly over her coffee cup.

"If I do, I'll have learned from the Master, Jannie."

"I humbly acknowledge your praise. No, correct that: not humbly at all," she quipped. "And so now, Linda, the doctor is in. Please lie on the stereotypical couch no therapist since Freud has ever used and pour out your soul."

"There's a hell of a lot to pour, Jannie, and it all smells. Better be ready."

"Ready I am."

"It's the waiting, Jannie, the questions. The uncertainty. Sometimes I think I'd rather hear the worst possible olgun porno news, as long as I can hear it now. This delay is killing me. Killing us both, really."

"Yes, but consider the good side, Lin. All this time Fred is getting over the shock. He's processing it all. He's thinking, Lin, and decisions that are thought out are worth waiting for."

"Then, Jannie, be honest. Do you think that after he had the chance to simmer down and think it all over, that he'll want to come home and try to put our family back together?"

I did not like the time Jannie required to choose her answer, nor did I like the answer once it came.

"Linda," she replied, very quietly and carefully, "I would give a lot for the power to answer that question the way you want it answered. Right now, I am unwilling to even give you odds one way or the other."

I knew she was right, but the words cut through me like ice shards in a blizzard.

"I'll say this much, though, and it may give you some hope. When I think of all the men I know, or have known, and imagine them in Fred's situation, there are only two whom I'd expect to try to salvage the wreck. One is my Sammy. And the other, as you might have guessed, is Fred."

"Oh, please be right about that!"

"Sure, but you'd better be prepared for me to be wrong about that, Linda."

"I'll never be prepared for that, Jannie," I whispered. "Never."

It was after 10:30 PM when the phone rang. It was Jannie.

"Linda, got a few minutes? I'd like to come over."

"Of course. I'll open the back door."

In moments she was seated in Fred's easy chair. I took my place on the sofa.

"Linda, you'll be delighted to know that I'm joining Sammy back east for a vacation in D.C."

"That's great, Jannie," I said, trying to inject a little enthusiasm into the words. She read the effort and seemed to take it as a sign of success at some little game.

"Thrilled, Linda? I can hear it in your voice."

"Uh, yeah..."

She laughed heartily, and I felt better, but still confused.

"What I really mean is, Linda, that I'm going back there to join Sammy. What I hope I can do is, with your help, find some things to say to Fred that will help. Fred has tackled all of this heroically, Linda, nothing less than heroically, and Sammy has been there to help him with that. Now, maybe, I might be able to add something to the process, things that come more easily, or maybe more convincingly, from me than from Sammy, or even you."

"Would you? Really?" I said, greatly encouraged by the idea of her as my advocate, though I had no idea what she might be able to say or do in that capacity that would help things.

"Really," she said softly.

"Thank playboy porno you so much!" said I, rising to give her an embrace, then returning to my place on the sofa and continuing a bit more somberly, "But then...well...what do you think you can do? I mean, what's the best thing you can do, or say, or..."

"Relax, Linda, we don't have to find all the answers right away. Let's just brainstorm a bit here."

I nodded.

"One thing to work on is helping him avoid catastrophizing. He doesn't know how all this came to pass and what was going on in your mind and Jason's when the avalanche began. The truth is in your favor. If he thinks all this was some coldly calculated intention to exploit his absence for the sake of illicit fun, that is obviously a very serious and harmful misconception. Make him understand how all this kind of crept up on you emotionally and that looks better."

"True enough, Jannie. Go on."

"The better he understands how torn you were between your two drives, the more he'll realize how strongly your love for him was fighting for its side of the war. Remember how you put it that day?"

I did; I could almost replay it verbatim:

"The horrible thing about all this is that there are two opposing passions burning inside me now. No way do I love Fred any less, and no way would I ever willingly indulge myself against him. I swear that to you and myself right now. So then, what is the other? I suppose I could say it a couple of ways, but perhaps the best one for our purposes right now is to say that the second passion is this frantic need to find some way to be able to...hell, I'll say it dirty; maybe that will help...I want to find some way to fuck Jason without hurting Fred. There. I've said it."

"That's how it went, Linda. And that's how it stands. You tried to find a way. You failed, because there wasn't one to find, so you tried to play a game with time, have the fun and then walk away from it before he was even home again."

"If I had only seen how stupid it was to even imagine I could get away with something like that..."

Jannie continued as if she had not heard me. "And he should know that my own hands are not clean in this matter."

"You shouldn't blame yourself, Jannie," I remonstrated, "And also think of this: If you do put yourself up as the snake in our family Eden, he may take that as you just fibbing to shift blame away from us, like a very noble gesture, but a phony one nonetheless."

"Don't worry about that, Lin," she quickly responded, "I can tell it to him clearly enough that he'll keep things in balance."

"Good."

"You've been selling yourself a big pack of lies for all these weeks, Linda," she said, not accusingly, pornhub porno but factually, "and the truth came crashing down on your head the moment you stopped buying. He needs to know that, too. He needs to see exactly how you tried to make yourself believe you could put the truth of your life, family, marriage--and Fred himself--into a compartment and put all this fun you've been burying yourself in into another compartment and then keep them completely insulated from each other."

"That's a good summary of it, Jannie," I murmured, "If he can understand that, there's hope."

"If he can understand that, I believe there's more than just hope, Linda," she replied, raising my hopes, "The point is, will he understand? He may not. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just realistic."

I nodded agreement.

"Next thing: Like we were saying a while ago, this is really a two-pronged problem. There's the adultery and there's the incest."

The bluntness stung, but I would have wished nothing less. With it came crisp, sharp focus, things seen, and spoken of, as they were.

"Fred will have to resolve both of those things in his own mind and heart. Now, as I see it, if he's struggling with both of them at the same time, he's spreading his emotional energy thin. If we can encourage him to deal with them as two separate things, it might help him get a better grip on each of them."

"Makes sense, Jannie. Go on."

"So now, Linda, I'm going to propose something, something a bit radical. It might help; it might not, but I don't think it can make things worse. But you have to be one hundred percent behind it or I won't try. If you have misgivings, any at all, we should forget this one."

"There you go again, torturing me with suspense."

"Maybe, Lin, but hear this one out carefully."

Thus Jannie began describing her idea, hesitantly, uncharacteristically so, intent on making sure I had no qualms about it, while also adding my own thoughts to the process. Her first disclosure was a shock to me, although only for moments. My own experiences ensured that it would not remain so for long.

Gradually, an approach developed. We had no intent nor wish to manipulate or mislead Fred; we only sought the best way to bring him the truth and help him consider what we thought were the best choices.

Interestingly, a little experiment in Sammy and Jannie's own personal and sexual lives would be bundled automatically with the plan.

"Linda," Jannie finally said before departing for her home, "in the end, the real power behind all of this is love. Trust in that and, one way or another, things will turn out well. Maybe not the way you want them to, but well nonetheless."

"Bless you again, Jannie. Have a nice flight!"

Jannie was halfway home when I called out from the door.

"Oh, and Jannie! Don't get so involved in all this that you and Sammy forget to take some real vacation time too!"

"Not a chance, Lin, not a chance!"

(to be continued)